see the moon over soho

Sometimes, I can be an awful, hurtful, and hateful person. Sometimes I'm not sure if the things that I do in the name of self-betterment really are the right thing to do.

God dammit, just let this semester start already.

Doing the right thing is incredibly difficult, sometimes.

I need a morning cigarette and a morning pee.

Sam is right, you don't get anywhere by being moral.

So Ellis and I finally bought our plane tickets. We're leaving Chicago's O'Hare airport at 9:30 p.m. on September 14th and arriving in London's Heathrow at 11:20 a.m. the next morning.

I am finally struck by how close this is coming, and how little time I have to prepare. Whaaat why I gotta grow up so fast.

Also. Finished Freaks and Geeks today. Finally. I'm halfway in love with James Franco and now I really want to see Pineapple Express. And Seth Rogen is decent, too.

Guhhhhh life is moving sooo quickly.

On a sheep-cropped knoll under a clump of elms we ate the strawberries and drank the wine -- as Sebastian promised, they were delicious together -- and we lit fat, Turkish cigars and lay on our backs, Sebastian's eyes on the leaves above him, mine on his profile, while the blue-gray smoke rose, untroubled by any wind, to the blue-green shadows of foliage, and the sweet scent of the tobacco merged with the sweet summer scents around us and the fumes of the sweet, golden wine seemed to lift us a finger's breadth above the turf and hold us suspended.

"Just the place to bury a crock of gold," said Sebastian. "I should like to bury something precious in every place where I've been happy and then, when I was old and ugly and miserable, I could come back and dig it up and remember."

-- Evelyn Waugh, p. 19, "Brideshead Revisited"

So last night I dreamt that Claire and I were running around a half-flooded Milwaukee (like so flooded you could swim around in Riverside Park) hanging out with Eugene Hutz from Gogol Bordello and David Cross (I think as Tobias Funke), who was dressed like a giant chicken.

...it was probably the most fun I've ever had in a dream. I need to eat half a pot of rip-off brand mac 'n cheese before bed more often.

So now he's joining the marines, too? I haven't spoken to him face-to-face in four years -- and hell, it was fucking middle school -- so why do I feel so perplexed? He's basically a stranger to me.

Fuck this shit, man. Fuck it.

Shit, son. Shit.

Wish I had some witty, motivational quip to post, but I don't. So I'm just gonna sit here, drink my coffee, eat my yogurt that tastes like Dreamsicles, and piss myself for the next two hours. Then I'll get myself together, get my hair cut, go get lunch with the fam, and then come home and piss myself for another two hours until it's time to go.

Time seems to move incredibly slow on days you're looking forward to something really anxiously.

Without passing even for salutation Inman said, Who put out your pair of eyes?

The blind man had a friendly smile on his face and he said, Nobody. I never had any.

That took Inman aback, for his imagination had worked in the belief that they had been plucked out in some desperate and bloody dispute, some brute fraction. Every vile deed he had witnessed lately had been at the hand of a human agent, so he had about forgot that there was a whole other order of misfortune.

--Why did you never have any? Inman said.

--Just happened that way.

--Well, Inman said. You're mighty calm. Especially for a man that most would say has taken the little end of the horn all his life.

The blind man said, It might have been worse had I ever been given a glimpse of the world and then lost it.

--Maybe, Inman said. Though what would you pay right now to have your eyeballs back for ten minutes? Plenty, I bet.

The man studied on the question. He worked his tongue around the corner of his mouth. He said, I'd not give an Indian-head cent. I fear it might turn me hateful.

It's done it to me, Inman said. There's plenty I wish I'd never seen.

--That's not the way I meant it. You said ten minutes. It's having a thing and the loss I'm talking about.

Guys, we graduate in five days. We did it. Holy shit. It's finally done.

And I only need to go to school on Tuesday and for graduation practice on Thursday. And then I never have to go back unless I choose to.

OH MY GOD.

I don't even think I fully realize how happy I am yet.

Even though I recognize that graduation is going to be incredibly moving. The speeches will be cheesey, but they'll get to me. I'll realize that I'm never, ever going to see the majority of these people again, and that I'll even miss the most annoying and insignificant ones because they were such a part of my life for the last four years.

I don't know if any of us truly realize what an amazing right of passage this is.

Bah.

SUMMER. WORK. EUROPE. WOOOOOOH.

I love how yesterday morning I was too much of an idiot to realize that I was using the mailbox key to try and get into my dad's apartment building. So I moped around for twenty minutes until some kind neighbor let me in. It was not until I was safely taking a shower in the apartment room that I realized my idiocy.

I love how it's always the gay bartenders that show me the most attention.

This basically sums up my childhood:

I AM PEEING.



Another more trivial reason to look forward to the summer.

And that is why David Lynch both fascinates me and makes me want to vomit.

So I got off of work on Friday. :)

You know, there really is no such thing as a good or bad situation, it's just how you interpret it and let it affect you. Which isn't to say that letting a situation effect you poorly is a bad thing, because sometimes that can lead to other things that are incredibly profound, things you'd never discover if you were in a constantly positive state of mind.

Sometimes I think there's just too much to ponder.

After watching that movie you really realize that your problems don't mean a damn when compared to some other people's.

There's nothing better than getting "A Date With John Waters" in your mailbox after school.

Can you tell what's on my mind
She's with him, it drives me wild
I'd like to hit him on the head
Until he's dead
The sight of blood is such a high
Ooooooh
He gives me head

Work was so slow today that Frank Alia sent the phonegirl to get ice cream from Babe's for all of us. So we spent forty-five minutes just sitting in back and eating ice cream. And then Frank Tenuta sent all of the non-waiting/kitchen/bar staff home a little before seven. And I walked home. And it was the most glorious day of work ever.

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days, these days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.
La la la la la, la la.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

Two reasons why Welcome to the Dollhouse is the one of the greatest movies of all time:

Number 1:


and


Number 2:

Just so y'all know, Johnny Depp has officially landed in Wisconsin. Apparently he's currently filming in Oshkosh.

Just so you know.

It's settled. After college, Claire and I are going to live in Baltimore until we can't take it anymore.

Who would've though it'd take a simple smudging to help me feel so enlightened? Claire, I think we should do this more often. We'll have our own personal sessions if we're feeling particularly bad about ourselves.

Two more months, guys. Two more months.

This is really unsettling, but god Will Arnett is hot.

Think Im going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I dont want nobody to follow me
cept maybe you
I could make you happy you know
If you werent already
I could do a lot of things
And I do

Tell you the truth I prefer
The worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
Shes not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it but
Youre perfect together

So fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
I bet you cant even tell me that much

Two-thirty in the morning
And my gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon
Rubbing elbows with the moon
A safe haven of sleepless
Where the deep fryers always on
Radio is counting down
The top twenty country songs
And out on the porch the fly strip is
Waving like a flag in the wind
Yknow, I dont look forward
To seeing you again soon
Youll look like a photograph of yourself
Taken from far far away
And I wont know what to do
And I wont know what to say

Except fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
I bet you cant even tell me that much


I see you and Im so perplexed
What was I thinking
What will I think of next
Where can I hide
In the back room theres a lamp
That hangs over the pool table
And when the fan is on it swings
Gently side to side
Theres a changing constellation
Of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
The only thing I can think of saying

Is fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
I bet you cant even tell me that much


--ANI DIFRANCO

You know me so well, Claire.



How late did you stay up last night and why?
Midnight, and only because I didn't want to do homework but didn't want to sleep, either.


What was the first thing you thought when you got up?
I gotta peeeee.


Who were you with Saturday night?
Myself, because I got home from work at about 10:30 and didn't really feel like going anywhere.


Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Most likely not, but you never know. Seriously though, 95% negative. Although some intense progress is being made in something I thought was long gone, so...yay for crypticism.


What are you listening to?
"I Don't Know What It Is", Rufus Wainwright.


What's the fifth text in your in box say?
"I DON'T THINK I CAN WRITE THIS PAPER" from Ellis.


What were you doing at 11pm last night?
Looking up videos of Will Arnett on YouTube.


Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
Matt Plain.


Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
Generally people spell my name with a "c" instead of a "k", but that's not really a stupid mistake. It's understandable.


Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but...?
Yes.


Do you drink tea?
I am now. Honey ginsing, mmm.


Have you made a mistake this past week?
Countless, but I don't have too many regrets.


Are you happy?
Well, at this moment, not entirely, but in general, yes, I think I'm a pretty happy person.


In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
Not entirely.


What was the last movie you saw?
No Country for Old Men.


What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?.
Kt and I are really good friends.


What do you hate?
Lots of things, mostly people in general.


What do you wear to bed?
It depends. Usually flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt, sometimes just a shirt and underwear, sometimes boxers. Whatever's clean and in the closest proximity.


Has anyone got on your nerves lately?
OHHHH YES.


What's your longest amount of time spent on a phone?
Probably about three hours.


Are you tired of bathing?
Overwhelmingly.


Do you put your belt on the left or right side first?
I don't wear a belt.


Ever been on a train?
Yep.


Do you wear jeans more than once without a wash?
Yes.


Do you believe in an afterlife?
It depends on my mood.


If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
This is a gay question.


Do you like your eye color?
It's aight.


What insect irritates you the most?
Mosquitos, definitely. Or Junebugs. But Junebugs are more terrifying than annoying.


Have you ever given/been given a dozen red roses?
Yes.


When was the last time you went outside?
Today, when I took a short walk with Ellis around the east side.


What kind of triangle does the pythagorean theorem have to do with?
Right triangles, I think.


When was the last time you played a mario game?
Umm...does Super Smash Bros count? Or Brawl? Then probably about three weeks ago.


When you were in elementary school did you like Lunch or Recess better?
Recess, duh.


Do you support abortion?
Well, it's not that I support them or would ever advocate getting an abortion, but I'm not against it, either. I'm not like, "YEAH, abortion is the BEST CHOICE! It's GREAT! WOOH ABORTION!!!" But I'm definitely pro-choice and think women have the right to choose, I'd just never suggest it to a friend. But I wouldn't be upset if they decided to, either. You dig?


Are you super clingy in a relationship?
I don't think so. Actually, that's the reason I've gotten out of all of my previous relationships. The last one wasn't clingy at all, and was really nice. So no. I'm not clingy, and I hate it when they're clingy.


Do you like pie?
Yes, but not to the extent that I'd order it or choose it above other desserts.


Were you a fan of The Spice Girls?
YES SPICE WORLD IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.


Do you believe it's possible to remain faithful to one person forever?.
I honestly don't know. Maybe? But I think that there are so many people out there that are right for you, you shouldn't have to limit yourself to just one. But I don't know. I haven't experienced enough to know the answer to that question.


Do you get hiccups a lot?
Ask anyone. Hell yeah I do.


Which is better trust or love?
Trust, because you can have trust without love but not love without trust.


How many hoodies do you own?.
Mneeh...two? Three? Four?


How do you respond when people give you a compliment?
I thank them, but I get embarassed and modest and try to brush it off.


Have you ever gotten so drunk you weren't sober the next day?
No, I don't think I'd like the feeling because I hate the way I get when I've had a little too much to drink, so I always stop myself before I get stupid.


Did you collect beanie babies when you were younger?
Yep, I still own them all.


If you could eliminate one color from the world, what would it be?
None, they're all pretty damn awesome.


What is the most expensive pair of shoes you own?
Probably my Converse.